The idea for this blog has been manifesting for some time now. I often find myself wide awake in the middle of the night and the only way to turn my brain off is to give it what it wants, which is to write all these swirling words and thoughts down. Secretly I’ve dreamt of becoming a writer for years, but like many, always told myself one day – maybe when I retire, or better yet, once I learned to write.

Then something happened last year. Change was brewing, but at first I didn’t know what it meant or what I was supposed to do with it. However, it all started to make some sense when I was invited to a weekend exchange event in Regina lead by Keith Kochner. I’d never heard of the guy but something inside told me to go. I did and it turned out to be exactly what I didn’t know I had been looking for all along. The weekend proved to be one of the most fun, emotional and connected weekends I had in years. It also turned out to be one of the main catalysts I needed to kickstart other major changes in my life.

Since that time I’ve read countless books, attended various workshops and groups, talked to counselors, consulted psychologists, and basically anything I could think of to help “fix” my problem, or should I say problems. I’ve been learning about many of my not so wonderful character traits and have come face to face with dozens of self-defeating habits and behaviors. I’ve overcomes all sorts of obstacles and am learning to let go of all I cannot control. I have said goodbye to a variety of toxic people and situations and am learning to take responsibility for myself and my own happiness. But most important, I am learning to relax and enjoy what I’m doing right now without incessantly obsessing about the past and worrying about the future. I am learning to focus on one task at a time, doing it well rather than trying to half-ass fifteen things at once.

In the end one of the most significant things I am beginning to understand is something Keith Kochner said many times: “You cannot walk toward your greatness you can only walk away from it.” I’d been chewing on this one for almost a year before coming to some understanding of what it means. And what it means to me right now is that I can no longer continue doing all the ridiculous things I had been doing in the past, which I repeated over and over, each time desperately hoping that this time it would be different. Of course it never was and instead only left me a little more broken and a bit more defeated. But no more.

So that is what this is all about. It’s about saying no to all the insanity of the past and saying yes to all the things I have longed to do and dreamt of becoming. It’s about redefining myself on my terms and doing what works for me. It’s about not feeling bad for taking care of myself and putting myself first for probably the first time in my life. And it’s about not being afraid to take that initial step. A wise woman once said to me, “start where you want to end up,” so finally I’m applying her advice and doing just that. I am letting go and retiring from all of which does not work, and beginning to embrace a newness that is a lot more me. And I am not going to worry about waiting for the right moment or being perfect, for that too, I’ve already been (thank you Roberta for teaching me that).

Thanks for visiting and I hope you continue to join me on this journey. This is not a project with a deadline, but a new chapter in life. I will be sharing some of my many stories and lessons and hope that you too will share with me. If you would like to reach me, I’d love to hear from you. My email is nprokopiuk@hotmail.com

To find about more about Keith Kochner, visit his website at: www.mentorfish.com

2 Responses to “Home”

  1. Roberta April 5, 2012 at 10:09 am #

    No, thank you Nicole….every person I meet in my life time has made me that much wiser. I take a little bit of something from everyone. We all have strength to overcome obstacles and trauma, its the choices we make that determine what will be.
    I attended a graduation at TRU last year for my cousin, the teacher read a speech that really struck me….I asked her for a copy of it and I will share it with you.

    The power animal image that is the metaphor for change, transformation is the butterfly. It is the symbol for the courage, joy and love that is required to make a complete shift in one’self. In a deeper sense the butterfly represents rebirth.
    A beautiful filmy creature that glides about the sky bringing joy to our hearts. We forget about the journey that the butterfly has to go thorugh.
    It is a creature that undergoes a dramatic and complete metamorphosis. Did you know that scientific research has shown that the butterfly is the only living being capable of entirely changing its genetic structure during this process of transformation; the caterpillar’s DNA is totally different from that of the butterfly. This suggests that the butterfly’s magic can be the symbolism of our ability to completely make a total transformation – to literally change from one being to another. “There is nothing in a caterpilalar that tells it it is going to be a butterfly” Buckminster Fuller.
    The spiritual implications of this magic is profound.
    Generally as we embrace transformation, we only want to think of the end result. We don’t want to think about the work that goes into it, or the sacrifices we may have to make in order to be able to soar.
    Transformation begins with the Universe pressing us forward into desiring something better for ourselves. We may not know what it is that we want, just that we have this impulsion for something more. At this point, our lives will sometimes become uncomfortable.
    The cocoon, has to do with going inside, either through insight of the nurturing of introspecton and slowing down. You have all been going through changes or transitions in your lives. Be supported by the magic of the butterfly… all change is good – even if it may not seem so at the time. Change is what life is made of and is necessary for growth, accomplishment and achievement – both in an inner sense and an outer sense.
    When its transformation is complete the butterfly emerges from its cocoon. Fighting its way out of the old for, through a tough silk shell, moving on into a new world. Just as we must struggle to move thorugh our barriers and outmoded attitudes. Behaviours that served us when we were caterpillars are no longer helpful. We can’t live the way we used to. We’re transcending the old patterns. But since they were familiar, and successful in our old form we have resisted discarding them.
    Eventually you have released old beliefs that no longer are in your best interest. It was painful to let go and scary and sad to change your role. But your whole life has changed.
    As you have emerged from your cocoon, take time to adjust to your new circumstances. Things are different, and you have to learn how to handle your new selves. How to act in new ways. Sometimes we will be surprising to others in our lives because our new selves are not familiar to them. People in your lives may respond in manners you are not used to. Because of the new you, you may have to leave some of your old acquaintances behind, but do no despair….make new friends who are walking the path as you are.
    Eventually the effect of you butterfly journey will allow you freedom and rest and joy. Speading your wings for the first time, a new energy will flow through you and you will expand your power, your grace, and your horizons. You will feel confident with your new self, your new identitiy and like the butterfly, fly free, a living jewel fluttering about the great expanse of the skies of your new life.
    The butterfly counts not months, but moments, and time has enough.
    In words of Caroline Adams: Your life is a sacred journey. And it is about change, growth, discovery, movement, transformation, continuoulsly expanding your vision of what is possible, stretching your soul, learning to see clearly and deeply, listening to your intuition, taking courageous challenges at every step along the way. You are on a path….Exactly where you are meant to be right now…. And from here, you can only go forward, shaping your life story into a magnificent tale of triumph, of healing or courage of beauty of wisdom of power, of dignity and of love.
    You have earned your wings…Now fly…

    I thought I would share that with you Nicole, I think your there….right there as a butterfly. I look forward to reading about your journey. Take care and keep in touch. xx

    • 31andretiring April 6, 2012 at 10:21 am #

      Thank you Roberta for sharing this with me, for it is indeed a beautiful story. I started welling up half way through and by the end I couldn’t stop crying. You and Shelley have done more for me than you will ever know and I will forever be grateful for my time with you both. I promise to keep in touch and am sure it won’t be long before we meet again.

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